Last Saturday - the odd beginning of summer

Last Saturday in Finland many people spent the day by celebrating either someone’s graduation, or just the beginning of summer holidays. My younger brother finished his middle school and two friends of mine graduated from high school, so I celebrated their achievements with them!  Well, at least I tried to celebrate.. but I felt odd the whole day. I was just in my thoughts the whole day, thinking that last year I was one of those who graduated and got the white cap after studying hard the last three years. Me and many others left behind all the people we had studied with three years, all the familiar faces, the friends with some of whom would keep in touch. We left behind our high school sweethearts, the classrooms where we did all the exams we were scared not passing, all the struggle with studies and all the drama! I graduated one year ago but now it all really hit me. High school is behind and we have tried to face the real world and the future.

In a year I’ve noticed how some of my friends have moved to another town with their boyfriends or by themselves, or went abroad, or started studying in university, or many of them took a gap year like I did. Life has moved on. Why I’m telling you all of this is that last Saturday I felt like everyone else are moving on but I’m still struggling with my past and my future. I had this strange feeling, when I was in the middle of a crowded room that no one really saw me. They saw just the shell of me. Just smiling, enjoying myself and trying to be present when I was feeling exactly the opposite inside.

The day of my graduation 04.06.2011

I thought about how I was one year ago that day. I was completely, utterly happy. I was in love. I was waiting for my trip to England. I had ended one period of life and couldn't wait, what future will bring. This year I wasn't feeling that happy, nor in love. I missed the person I was a year ago. The life I had. Don't get me wrong I love my life now but there's a part of me that still misses being in love. I'm still waiting what future will bring and excited about this time when you start making big decisions about your life. Now being single I don't have any strong bonds anywhere so I'm free to do whatever with my life without needing to think about another person in it.

Many people asked me last Saturday whether I have applied to university. It was really hard to explain that I had, but I had also changed my mind and made another plans! Everyone was just “oh, ok well good for you..” They didn't get it. Why is it so hard to understand that in our age we still can change our mind, if we like? It's our life and future we're talking about!

That made me wonder, what if I get stuck with this period of life and this is it? I wouldn't get in university, but I have a job in a local supermarket so maybe in ten years I will be doing the same work, every day. Oh wow, I’m surprisingly pessimistic today. I know I won’t. There's no way I would be content with this. On Saturday I talked with this lady who had lived in Spain for 14 years. I told her about my plans to go back to Britain instead of applying uni here and how no one didn't seem to understand that. She had also encountered such prejudice when she was young and planning to go to Spain. She said that life is all about doing crazy things, taking chances and grabbing opportunities and challenges. The typical pattern is that after graduating from high school many people go to uni or just work, then they find a lad to be with, they move in together, they graduate, they get engaged then married, they get a dog, get a house and children and so on. Why to follow the typical pattern when you can make your own? I agreed with her completely.

It takes courage to do the opposite what people are expecting. Some just go with the typical pattern cause that's what people do, it feels safe and it works. For some people. Not for me though. So I thought that bloody hell others might think whatever they like. I'm not applying to uni in Finland even though everyone expects it. I'm still not sure about what my pattern will be like, but I do have plans. People might think that "oh wow another one who will figure out her future forever and end up working in a supermarket". Well, never going to happen. I know it and that's enough. My plans are waiting to be established. I just need to stand behind them and believe in them. It's never easy to be deviant. ;)

Like I mentioned last Saturday I had this feeling that everyone else have moved on expect me. Some live on their own when I still live with my parents. Some are engaged when I’m still single. Some of them are starting their studies next autumn when I will continue working in a local supermarket. But guess what, maybe now I have this period of life that nothing big isn’t happening to me. Maybe it's meant to be that I'm just working and I'm single. I know something big will happen. I can feel it in my gut. Well summer has officially begun, too many thoughts and odd feelings but can’t wait what it will bring! Especially next autumn will be crucial for me when it comes to my life pattern and future plans. In time I will tell you, when the time is right.

In the end, I want to share a song with you. I'm not a good friend of Finnish music but this Finnish song with its' harmonious nuances and leading singer's gentle voice is simply beautiful! It also describes perfectly my mood last weekend and now when summer has officially begun, the title is also suited for the occasion. It's called Kesäyö (Summer night) by Pariisin Kevät. Enjoy!

- lovesme xx