Exciting times and first snow!

Now my applications to univerisites are officially, paid, sent, done! Wow wow wow! Now I can say that this is really happening. There is no going back! All I need to do know is hope for the best and wait! :) I hope I will get offers soooon, because I hate waiting! Haha I'm sure the ones who have read my blog know that.

I guess I haven't told you that I booked flights back to England like ages ago? It was like two weeks after I came back from Oxford in August. This time though I'm going northern part of England, flying to Manchester and taking a train to Preston. Going to visit my friend there and see what the university life actually is in Britain. I need to prepare myself! ;) The best part is that Sara is going with me! I can't wait! So again my life is all about waiting. Waiting for that trip and waiting for offers from universities! Exciting times but also frustrating, because like I said I am not the most patient human being. I want it all here and now, at this second! Well, isn't it commonly said that great things are worth waiting?

Also, for some people really irritating, some really happy occasion occured! We got first snow today! Winter is officially coming and it's October! I am not the happiest about it, don't get me wrong, winter can be really beautiful, if there is lot's of snow. I just hate that roads get slippery and walking in heels can be quite a challenge! I never fall over, but many times it has been really close! Also it gets bloody cold here, like -30! How could someone be happy about that? Hopefully we will get lot's of snow though, then it won't be so bloody dark here. Christmas has to be white! Then I get to the real Christmas mood! Well this is a good start.

- lovesme xx

Dream the impossible to make it possible

At the moment I'm in a such a state of happiness I have never been. The happiness of believing yourself. Believing your dream could actually come true. Really.

I told you last time how I didn't want to go ahead of the things about getting in to uni. How my friends seem to be sure I will get in, but I wanted to just keep calm and just hope for the best, not to think ahead. I can't know the outcome, I can't predict it, even though I would be happy to be able to do so! Anything can happen, either negative or the most positive, fifty/fifty chance. 

An hour ago though, this sudden breeze of self-confidence embraced me. I read the first draft of the reference my English teacher had written for me for my application, and somehow her wonderful writing about me, how she's sure I am capable of successing my studies at university abroad. I know they always write the same stuff, but it really had a huge impact on me. It made me realise, for the first time, that it might actually maybe, possibly, be possible that I will get in. Wow. I can't truly describe this some kind of enlightenment I am having. This amount of belief in me. Anyway, I am still going to keep calm and not to get overly excited, I haven't got in yet - remember. Just to be able to actually really imagine it in my head now, me studying at university in Scotland is just, wow.  Because I have always believed, if you can dream impossible and big things. Just being able to imagine them in your head, and really believe in them, they are possible to make come true.

Speaking of impossible dreams, I just wrote some sort of poem about those and right after I had written it I listened to Taylor Swift's new song Starlight from her just today published album Red where she sings:

"like we dream impossible dreams
like starlight, starlight
like we dream impossible dreams
don't you see the starlight, starlight?
don't you dream impossible things?"

It was my first time listening to it. What are the odds that Taylor sings about exactly the same thing I had just written a minute ago? This must be some sort of karma! Haha. She reads my mind, really. I mean it and finds the words for me. Anyway, I absolutely love her new album, it gives me shivers, makes me cry, oh my god her lyrics. No words. She did it again, and even better. I'll get back to that loveliness, here is a part of it, the song I mentioned above. Enjoy, there's something wrong with you, if you don't.

- lovesme
 

Hard work pays off, or does it?

I can't believe It's been one month since my latest post. Time has gone so fast, I can't believe it! I can only say I'm sorry it's been so quiet here, but the whole month passed working on the personal statement I mentioned to you last time. I just haven't been able to focus on any other writing than the statement. It needed to be perfect, and I am such a perfectionist when writing so it took a month for me to finish it. At least I can say that I really worked hard on it, put my heart and soul to it. Hopefully all the hard work pays off as well.

The statement has really been the most vital text I had written. It's almost like my life depends on it, like, this is it, go and write the best you can that they understand they have to take you in as a student. That statement, those approximately 600 words I wrote, matter so much. I needed to squeeze all this enthusiasm and motivation of mine in 600 words! Trust me, that was pretty difficult because I have always so much to say, so I had to cut out lots of stuff! I am still thinking, did I mention all the things worth mentioning? Is the structure well done? Is the beginning eye catching? Well, I know I did a good job, because I had the best help I could get (thanks to lads in Preston <3).

This is like the most nerve racking time in my life, but in a good way. I haven't cared about something and worked this hard on anything in a while. The feeling of having finally found what I want to do in life and for what I'm ready to work hard on, is ecstatic. If I only get the chance to actually do it.

My friends seem to be so positive about my success, that I will get in. Everyone of them say the same. "You have worked so hard you will get in!" "You have wanted this for years and done everything you could, you'll get there!" I prefer not to go ahead of the things though, because I have learnt, sometimes hard work doesn't pay off. Everybody have encountered at least one this kind of person I am about to describe to you. The person, who somehow always seems to get her way to success even though she doesn't even make much an effort. She kind of just drifts to success when at the same time some people really work hard to get there.

So the unfairness of this is, why some people who couldn't care less, or at least are not ready to do much for anything, somehow happen to get the shot and the ones who really work their as**** off don't? Ok, It's not how it always goes. Hard work pays off in many cases, but not always. For example, what I have found out when following people applying to univerisities here in Finland. Many people who have studied months and months plus paid a lot of money for the preparation course for the entrance exams, didn't get a place, when this person who just went to the exam to "try it out" is now studying at the university.

Is it the careless way of life? Just going with the flow, not worrying too much that gets them to accomplish these goals they don't even have? They don't have a goal where to aim, they just "try everything out" and they end up somewhere. So should people like me, who just worked on a motivation letter for one month, take it more easy? Not to care so much. Will then the outcome be more pleasant? Well I know one thing, that too much stressing is not good, it can really affect your ability to do it. Like during my matriculation exams last year, I studied so hard. I was so stressed out I'm sure I have never been before. I worked hard but still, I only got average grades. When the people who said right before the exam they hardly studied, got the best grades. If I had chilled out more, could the exam results have been better? Maybe, but what is done is done, it went how it's meant to go, I did my best so it is enough. 

Isn't it better to accomplish something after doing all the hard work all the stress? You know you have done everything you possibly could. The outcome is what is is but you deserve it because you did your best. The ones who didn't give it much thought, will be thinking what if they had worked hard on it.

My point is though, like last year during examinations I am afraid my hard work won't pay off on this university application. My friend told me how one of her friend applied to university in Scotland, she just wrote the letter like in a day and now she studies at the University of Edinburgh. I spent ONE MONTH for writing that letter! So if she got in, I should get in as well right? Well it is not that black and white, but I have done my everything to get in, I know it. What if it's still not enough, and I don't get in? Well, I will be crushed, but the consolation is that everything goes as it's meant to be.

I know I did my everything,
I tried it out
I relished to opportunity
but it didn't work out.

It went how it was meant to go,
I did my best
so it is enough.

Then I won't be thinking in my rocking chair when I'm old that I never tried to get in university in Scotland! Hard work pays off, somehow. If you had worked hard on it, the outcome might not always be the best you think, but it is what is meant to be.  In my case though I really hope this university stuff works out the best, that I'll get accepted. Time will show how it goes, I'll wait for it eagerly.

lovesme xx

When it feels like nothing is happening

I know I promised to tell you about my trip this time, but as you can see, almost two weeks have passed since my latest post. I just haven't been able to write because I've been feeling I'm lost with this blog. Lately, I've written only because I've felt like I HAVE to post something. In the beginning I wrote for myself, wrote these posts that had a core, a simple thought, a message I wanted to send.  I've only been thinking what other people would like to read and lost my own vision what I want this blog to be like. This has become more like a diary-like and I don't like that. I want to give people something to think about not just to tell them about my life. Ok, this blog isn't called Esme loves for nothing. I also want to write about things that touch me somehow that have some kind of impact in my life, but I want to tell about them in a way that people can get something out of it as well. I might have only couple of readers but if at least few people get something out of my blog. something to think about, and find themselves saying "I know what she means." "I've felt the same way!" That is what I want to do with this blog, I think I just forgot it for a moment. Ok. sorry about opening up like this, I just had to! :D

So, I guess now it's time to give you something to think about.

It's September. This is time for changes of people our age. Every year it happens. Many people move to another town and go to university. They start a new chapter in their lives. There's also people like me, who are not going. Don't get me wrong, I'm not even jealous of my friends in Finland who go university here. Because I don't even want to stay here. Still, what am I doing? Living with my parents and working in a supermarket. It's like my life isn't going anywhere new, It stays the same. I'd love to have some change too.

Well you know what they tend to say. It comes in seasons, there's the time when feels like nothing is happening to you, and everybody else's lives seem to be changing rapidly. Suddednly though, you notice It's totally the opposite and you're in the middle of all these big changes. So, I'm waiting when this period of silence turns into something exciting. Well, to be honest something is already happening and It could, if it goes well, turn out to be something extremely exciting and life changing. Ok, It's time to tell you, well pretty much all of my friends know anyway, so no point not to write about it.

I'm applying to university in Scotland to study English. That is what I'm working on now, trying to do my best in the application so I will get in. There's no entrance exams, but I need to write a personal statement, which is kind of motivation letter, where I need to tell why do I want to study my chosen subject and just mainly prove I'm motivated and worth taking in as a student. 

So yes, something is happening, my life is going somewhere. I've got plan and if I'm lucky and I'll get in, my life will go upside down! I will move to Scotland next year and start my new life there, and most probably will stay there for good. If I get in. Anyway, all that will happen next year. So what really got me anxious the other day was, am I gonna just work this whole year? Am I going to spend the whole year working and saving money for my uni studies that hopefully will start in next September? Well that would be sensible, wouldn't it? 

It seems like a waste though. Think about it, I have a year and I could do anything with it. Many people have gone to university but there's also people who have went to work as an au-pair in London or just went interrailing to Europe or something! Hang on, I did that last year? I did go to work in Oxford last year. Still, the world is calling me again. All the adventures that I haven't done yet. All the places I haven't seen, things I haven't done. Well, Hayley Taylor sings in her song Plans quite well:

we were gonna drive across the country
live in spain and italy
and we were gonna climb to the top of the eiffel tower
and stay up all night for the meteor showers

but we are still young enough
and we've still got time
it's not too late
to keep these plans we made
- Hayley Taylor

It's never too late. I'm soon 20 years old. I got plenty of time for my adventures I'd love to do. So, I might spend the year working, but It would do it for for my next adventure in Scotland. So, It wouldn't be waste. Not at all. So, if there's people who are feeling like me. Like their lives aren't going anywhere. That anything big isn't happening at the moment. Every day feels the same, just work and every day life. Well remember this.

It doesn't matter if anything big isn't happening now,

because something is always happening.

Life is always going on.

It's taking you somewhere

A new day always comes

with something bigger or smaller to happen

Every day is worth living and enjoying to the hilt

Never a waste

And some day 

when a  new day dawns again

It will bring you something big and life changing.

Just wait for it.
-lovesme

There's something to think about darlings

- lovesme xx

PS: Here is the Hayley Taylor's song Plans I quoted

Living for the moment

Im sorry I'm not writing until now. I've been ill the whole week and felt every possible way confused and afwul. I just wasn't able to write about this until now. So my week back home. What can I say? It was perfect. I was in this blur of happiness and confusion the whole time. I couldn't entirely understand the fact I was walking on my favorite streets again, sitting in my favorite pubs, seeing the people I've missed.

The whole week I just tried to inhale it all in, like every day was my last there. I had waited to get back there so long. Just wanted to live every day fully. It's odd how they tend to say that you have to live like the day your'e living was your last. In England, for me, it's the easiest thing to do. Like Audrey Hepburn once said: "Pick the day. Enjoy it - to the hilt. The day as it comes. People as they come....The past, I think, has helped me appreciate the present- and I don't want to spoil any of it by fretting about the future."  In England, for me, neither tomorrow nor yesterday matters. It's just the moment, the day we're living that counts. All the people around you, the atmosphere you're in, the scents, the voices, everything around you.

Isn't that how we're supposed to live? Live for the moment and everything it has to offer. Live and make everything out of it. Like it  was the last thing you do.

I am the biggest anticipator ever. I think too much and always try to predict how things will go. So far from living for the moment, I know. In England though, I'm different, I go more with the flow. There I find no need to worry about future or past, because somehow I know everything is always going to be alright. Everything will go as It's meant to be.

Because I'm home. 
I am where I'm supposed to be
and It will take me wherever I'm supposed to go.

So the whole week I just lived day by day. Moment by moment. Treasuring everything in a way I've never had before. I loved every minute of it. Well not exactly, the walk we did on our last day before going to the bus station and getting in the bus to Heathrow. I didn't actually love it, the opposite actually. It. Was. Killing. Me.

The closer we got to the bus station, the less I could breathe. I couldn't understand I had just come back and now I have to leave again? It was worse I ever imagined it would. My insides crush in anxiety when thinking about it. Sitting in the bus to Heathrow I couldn't help crying. Tears were just drawing lines on my cheeks. They were sad tears indeed, but partly happy tears too. I had the best week. I was back home seven whole days. Just thinking about all the many new things we did during the week. Numerous of happy moments. I can't help smiling. We really got everything out of the time we had.

Yes, leaving again was killing me as predicted, but now I'm even more certain about the fact that the UK is the place I want to be. My motivation to get back there got even stronger, if that's even possible, and that is exactly what I needed right now. Soon It's finally time to start actually DOING something for my future. I'm going to tell you everything don't worry! Just be patient. Next time, I'll tell you about my trip!

Xxx esme

England calling! FINALLY!

FINALLY I can say that tomorrow at this hour me and Kisu are on our way to England. I'M SO HAPPY! AND SO EXCITED! I'm also a little nervous, I got  up before 9 a.m today and couldn't sleep no more. I never get up voluntarily before 9, unless I'm nervous about something. Tonight I'm not going to be able to sleep at all!

Oh my goodness. I had forgotten how difficult it is to choose outfits for a week. No, hang on, last time I did this I had to choose clothes for months!! So why this packing seems to be so hard this time? It's only a week.

Haha, trust me this is not the worst my room looked like. Anyway, I guess I sorted it all out. I've packed, so I'm all ready to go! Still have to do final check I have everything I need! You know the feeling when you feel like you have forgotten something important? I have it every time! Actually, I think the mainn problem of my packing is that I have so many clothes I love and I want to take all of them with me!! Even so, at this point I've tried to remind me that I will buy some clothes over there too. So I need to have room for them! River Island, Top Shop, Bershka, Forever 21... a shopper's heaven. :)

Oh wow, we have so many plans and only seven days time to do them all! I can't wait to see my friends, just to be in Oxford again and go to London again. Home sweet home. I've just smiled through the whole weekend. I can't believe this. :) Gonna tell you eeeverything when I'm back! ....If I ever do come back haha. ;)

Had a tea moment of my own the other day =) Mad Hatter tea!

Now I really gotta go and do the final luggage check. I'll see you when I get back.

Have a great week. I will have one for sure!

England calling!

- lovesme

the MDNA tour Helsinki 12.08.2012

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