Where I belong

Have you ever had a feeling that you belong somewhere? You know, you visit a foreign country or just a new city, or maybe you have lived there for your whole life? You feel like you never want to leave the place, well, maybe for a moment but there’s always the need to get back there. It’s the place you’re supposed to be. Always when you do have to leave for some reason, you always have this feeling of loss. You can’t wait to get back and when you do get back, you feel your feet are on the ground better than ever. You’re back home. You’re where you belong.  You just know it. 

I had the feeling  three years ago when I visited London for the first time. It was just an usual sunny working-day in London. I was walking on the street. Looking around. It just hit me. I was there three weeks and completely fell in love with the British way of life in general. I cried the whole flight back to Finland. I left something behind, as cliché as it might sound. A part of my heart. A big part. Ever since I’ve had the urge to go back there and it never dies. It might fade away for a moment but it always comes back. 

London at night <3

So, when last August I landed at Heathrow airport again after three years. I just felt complete. I was balanced. Hearing English all around me. People from all over the world. I was back home. I lived in Oxford  four months. They were the hardest and, at the same time, the most rewarding months in my life. I fell in love with the UK even more. There were moments when I cried my eyes out cause I was so miserable, just wanted to pack my things and go back home. Still, I never could have done it. In England I always knew, everything will work out after all, because I was where I was supposed to be. 

Oxford, 2011

Oxford, 2011

In Finland I don’t have that. Mostly I feel like I’m lost here. It’s not that I don’t feel like home in Finland. Of course I do. I have my family and my priceless friends here. I love summer here, food is simply the best. So there is some specific things I'll cherish the rest of my life, but still, I don’t belong here. I feel like I’m walking in a wrong man’s shoes all the time. I’m living my life here but it’s always a little struggle. Forcing myself on to something.

That’s why I’ve wondered, why do I force myself to walk in a wrong man’s shoes? Can It be that I was born in a wrong country? When it comes to Finland, we don’t click. England, on the other hand, we click perfectly. I can feel the ground perfectly under my feet there. There, I’m happy, every day. Not all day, but every day. I see my future there. The language and the culture is so, me. So, if over and over again, I’ll come to this point that I’m in Finland, missing one fucking country and my life there so much that it’s killing me. I should do everything to get back there, right? To feel balanced again. To feel complete. 

London, October 2011

Why should I stay in Finland, if I can't be truly happy here? I previously wrote that it’s never too late to make a change. I thought I’ve made my future plans quite clear. I've studied for entrance exam for University of Turku, and I thought that would be the place for me to be. Well, last weekend I stayed in Turku for a weekend and I had fun! It's a nice town to stay couple of days, but on Sunday I was already feeling that it would be nice to go back home already. If I go uni there, I should live there five years?! Never going to happen. Just thinking about it makes me feel anxious. Turku is a beautiful town, but I could not live there. So you can imagine what happened to my motivation to study for that bloody exam.

So, now my future plans seem so blurry again. Except for one thing, I know where I want to be and that’s the UK. I'm aiming at there. Not sure how it all gonna work out, but this is time for ourselves, right? We are 20-year-olds, finding out what to do with the life we got. The one and only life we got. It might take some time to figure it all out, but like I’ve already said, there’s no rush. All that matters is that you do what ever makes you happy. Even though it would mean another gap year ahead (not planned) and making changes that might pretty much change everything in your life. In conclusion, James Morrison sings in his song "One Life":

"My daddy sat me down
He said “Son, it’s probably time to start making some plans”
And I said “No, not right now”
With so many choices
I just didn’t know what to do now
All I say is just forget it
If you tell me I’ll regret it
Just let it be what it is
Coz it’s so easy to say

If I knew yesterday what I know today
Where would I be tomorrow
I won’t let my soul slide away
I’d do whatever it takes
Coz this time’s only borrowed

I got one life, one life, one life
And I’m gonna live it
I got one life, one life, one life
And I’m gonna live it right

You say the more you think
You know what’s right
The less you do
What you feel inside
So I won’t pretend that I always know
I just follow my heart wherever it goes
And I may not always get it right
But at least I’m living coz I’ve only got this…

One life, one life, one life
I’ve got this one life"

I think you got the point?

- lovesme xx